the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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