Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
