woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
