I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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