I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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