I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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