You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
