He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
