he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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