No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
