This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
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Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
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I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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