every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
