i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
