omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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