this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I am available for nakedness
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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