i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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