Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
