My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
