I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
