I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
