1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
