So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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