the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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