You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
