According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
