I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
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Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize