If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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