Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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