I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
