I am puke
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
