I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
