I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
