i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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