I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
