Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
