i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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