have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
