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Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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