don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
