R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
