my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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