i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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