if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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