DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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