last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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