I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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