A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
