i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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