I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
