my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
