I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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