dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
