you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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