i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
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I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
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Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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